Updated: Apr 20
A few years ago I thought I had met the most wonderful woman who would spend the rest of her life with me and we would form an extraordinary partnership for life. Unfortunately, it was not to be, and the whole sad episode inspired me to write the book BURNT. The story is essentially one of infidelity in relationships and I become somewhat adept at identifying the traits and behaviors of someone who is cheating and lying. I have read a number of articles about infidelity and the tell-tale signs of a man being unfaithful. For example, sudden obsession with fitness and image, buying a second phone for messages and calls with someone else, always working late at the office and an increase in business trips that now include weekends.
These are the things to watch out for from unfaithful women:
1. Text / Email and Phone Traffic
You should be suspicious when your partner starts to receive an unhealthy level of cyber messages from someone who is not readily identifiable to you. Some people make up pseudonyms for the 3rd party and it may be a female name to throw you off the scent. In BURNT my partner continually received phone calls, texts and emails from her ex. She took the phone calls privately and the texts and emails, which I soon found often accompanied, the phone calls were all in a foreign language. When I confronted her, her explanation was always tinged with “accusations of mistrust and my level of insecurity.” So when is it ok to read someone else’s emails? In my experience this is an extremely controversial subject and one I agonized over. Privacy is something I respect and hold with high regard. It is very difficult to feel it necessary to invade the privacy of someone you love to find the truth. There may be legal ramifications too. In my opinion it is never ok to open someone’s emails without their consent. In BURNT Michael’s partner had left her iPad at his home. There was no password and the relationship was under severe pressure. There were many instances of inconsistent communication on her devices that made him suspect she was being unfaithful. The character Michael opened her emails after long consideration with a very heavy heart and an incredible amount of guilt. What he found shocked him and confirmed his greatest fear. She was lying. Looking at her emails was the last resort. He asked her repeatedly about inconsistencies that aroused his suspicions and was not met with honesty.
2. Unavailability at times and unexplained rejection
In the book BURNT there are countless examples of the character Simone being unavailable to Michael at certain times, which seemed to be suspicious and incredibly frustrating to him. For example after a beautiful meal at their local café, she would refuse to allow him to walk her home or come back to her apartment. On other occasions she would make arrangements with him and cancel them with little or no notice and with little or no excuse. As with all of these examples, the individual incident is not necessarily evidence of a problem but when it becomes a pattern of conduct that is consistently repeated, then one knows one has a problem.
3. Going away to “conferences”
In BURNT, the main character Simone used the excuse of “conferences” to spend time with her ex partner Marco. Whilst many people legitimately go to conferences this would not normally arouse suspicion. The character Michael became suspicious about a certain “conference” and began to investigate its legitimacy. It is common with people who are being unfaithful that work excuses become a consistent way to hide their infidelity and many men use this as their game plan. In the case of Simone, she was caught red handed lying about attending a conference overseas, when she was in fact spending the weekend with her ex. So how do you question someone when they are all of a sudden “working late” and attending “conferences”. In BURNT, once Michaels patience had worn out and his trust evaporated he hired a private investigator to confirm flights, accommodation and venue details for a conference Simone had claimed to be attending in “Singapore”. Within hours it was confirmed that she was lying. This is an extreme measure to go to when you feel you cannot trust your partner. Simply ringing the hotel is often enough to uncover the truth.
4. Social media traffic and Photo’s
In today’s world, one has to understand that every photo and every entry in social media is building a permanent footprint and like herpes, lasts forever. If your partner is photographed at a “work function” with an attractive member of the opposite sex and they are too close for comfort you have a photographic record, which could allow you to track that other person and uncover the truth. Social media today allows people to track your movements and discover where you have been and with whom. Simply taking an image and tagging your location may be enough to link you to someone else and be compromised.
Make no mistake, it is a powerful forensic tool used by police forces around the world. So if you are suspicious of your partner you can simply log onto their online profiles and do your own investigation to uncover the truth.
5. Inconsistent stories and lies
While a relationship should never be based on cross-examination, it is important to look out for inconsistent stories and lies. It is not only the stories but also the facial and body language that will give you the tell-tale signs that something is not right. Being able to look someone in the eye is the sign of honesty. Looking away during conversation is usually a sign of guilt and should be closely observed. When people start to live in a web of lies, their lies will come undone without much effort. It is simply impossible to maintain and they usually get deeper and deeper into their fantasy, which leads to obvious inconsistencies. Saying things like “I told you already” when you ask them to repeat a story or experience can often be a sign that they don’t remember the lie they told you and they are worried their answer will be inconsistent with their former story. In BURNT, Simone’s web of lies finally caught up with her when she accidentally sent a drop box of photographs from her mobile phone confirming Michael’s worst fear. She was not in Italy visiting her grieving mother; she was in New Zealand bungee jumping with her ex boyfriend.
6. Unhealthy close relationship with ex partners
This is a difficult one and requires a level of sensitivity and judgment. On the one hand, you don’t want to be seen as the insecure controlling boyfriend who is racked with jealousy at the slightest provocation. However, where do you draw the line when your girlfriend’s ex is in continual communication and the evidence suggests that it is more than platonic. This was the dilemma faced by Michael in BURNT. While Michael had a good and respectful relationship with his ex wife Miriam, the mother of his daughter, it never crossed the line and disrupted his relationship with Simone. He was even open enough to introduce them in the hope that they could all enjoy a healthy relationship going forward for the sake of his daughter. The same could not be said of Simone and Marco’s relationship. While Simone continually assured Michael that Marco was aware of their relationship, his consistent calling and her consistent submission to him created massive tension that was to prove fatal to Michael’s trust.
As with all things in love, the only rule is, that there are no rules, and the above tips are not definitive or meant to be all-inclusive. Bad behaviour can manifest itself in 1000 different ways. True romantics such as Michael always want to give the benefit of the doubt, however sometimes the evidence is overwhelming and you need to put your heart to one side and look for the truth.
BURNT by JD Watt 2nd Edition available on Amazon Kindle
JD Watt, author of the book “BURNT”; the shocking true story of a woman’s deception and a man’s broken heart, is a divorced, devastatingly handsome, affluent single 51-year-old professional. He lives in the wealthy Eastern Suburbs of Sydney Australia. He is also a blogger giving his advice on love, relationships, sex and dating from the perspective of a middle-aged guy having learnt so much from his decade long search for “the one”.
Intelligent, established, sophisticated, cultured, honest, kind, loving, generous, tall and handsome, JD is every woman’s dream.
He offers advice on relationships and how to read the signs so you never get “BURNT”. JD believes in love and so should you. BURNT by JD Watt is available on Amazon, Kindle and online Booksellers globally. Download or buy your copy today.
JD Watt is not a psychologist or therapist, he bases his advice and opinions on his own life experience.
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