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Bachelorette Recap - The Brokeback Mountain Edition




"A world without women would be a pain in the arse" Socrates (a Greek people person)

After watching 6 episodes of The Bachelorette in stereo, I hate to disappoint the contestants but Mensa Australia will not be extending any invitations to join their hallowed ranks.

As much as it pains me to say this, I don’t think it would be possible to find a more intellectually compromised group of human beings who, episode after episode, demonstrate how challenged they are by the English language. Once again I would like to thank my friends at NASA for giving me access to their super computing capabilities. I wanted to test my theory that the average combined vocabulary of each Bachelorette and contestant was limited to no more than 40 words and phrases. It is estimated that a french bulldog can respond to at least 50.


Unfortunately, NASA rejected the data with a note requesting we identify which language we were submitting. This is a timely reminder that it is now appropriate to compile a glossary of terms to assist in understanding the dialect spoken on the program. To our loyal readers you will recall that we undertook a similar exercise to unlock “Locky Speak” in the Bachelor 2020. We received many many notes of gratitude from the world Anthropological Society.


GLOSSARY OF TERMS


I vibe ya - derived from the movie “The Castle” this phrase has now morphed into boganese and literally means “may I fuck your brains out?”


Torkin’ future - an invitation to consider the full catastrophe - a wife, children, a mortgage and a mother-in-law


I’m in-da-ya - no, not from the subcontinent, similar to “I vibe ya” with the emphasis on using a condom


You are a smooth over - I want to smother you


It sorta just whams on ya - a truly new age feminist response when you realise that it is ok to pash 9 guys in 5 episodes and you’ve gone thru 2 jars of Blistex


Get so real so quick - a stiffy in a hot tub


You’re here to build them connections - an obvious reference to the NBN


Our connection is so strong - definitely not the NBN


A good rig - chiseled physique care of “the Greek people”


"The Greek People" - when you failed history and anyone on steroids looks like an adonis


A heavy hitta - someone (Joey) who has had an adult cuddle in a prior life with a Bachelorette


"Jesus take the wheel" - a biblical reference to the second coming


Adult cuddle - when you vibe someone (see above), “I will now fuck your brains out?”


A cheetah is always a cheetah - rita - especially at the Western Sydney Zoo


A bit of obstruction from Frazer - can be easily sorted with a dose of Metamucil unlike the Bachelorette 2020


A lucky gal - when you are the Bachelorette, in a hot tub; with your tongue down the throat of a guy on antibiotics in the middle of a pandemic


Torkin’ like serious n’ stuff - considering formulae propounded by Pythagoras... you know, one of “the Greek people”



With only 2 girls and 2 alpacas available for dates, a curious tension arose amongst the surviving sausages.


There was an outbreak of “bro-bonding” bromance that reached fever pitch...



Perhaps it was Elly’s reference to “the Greek people” but the boys certainly started to look at each other with a new found fondness. There was an urgent need for tension release especially considering the “Elly and Becky secret deal” ... that no boy goes past 1st base.




I suspect that James has been designated by the producers as the “wild one” and bad boy of the series. He has been given left over scripts originally used by Roxy in the Bachelor 2020. In fact, I am sure they even sent him to the same Tattoo parlour... what is it with dumb beefcake and tattoo’s?


Here is a recap..

The sissy fit...



The guy is so desperate to prove his superior manliness that he has the first sissy fit at a cocktail party, but I do concede, his strategic genius in borrowing one of Liberace's old jackets that allowed him to literally blend in with the wall paper during the rose ceremony.





And what was that “love letter” that he read aloud to Elly? Most 3rd graders could produce and present better copy than this dribble. Apart from James’ crazy hair, earrings, nose ring, tattoo’s, appalling dress sense, attitude and his vacuous repetition of “may the best man win” he’s probably ok.


Note to producers; episodes 5 & 6 were simply terrible.

Here is a quick recap, with the help of some other famous movies, TV shows and stars... see it as my effort to make the Bachelorette a little more entertaining...


The double date - on a boat..
The Halloween Party... who wore it best?

Joey is complaining that the program is aging him...

The amazing race...

The Bachelorette may be cheesy, but this race was far more entertaining...

The cooking date with Uncle Fester..

Swipe right to see Sam before makeup...


Please check the meaning of the word “inane”. It reminds me, I recall an old joke which I will adapt. What would you prefer? Sex with Saddam Hussein or watch the Bachelorette 2020? Saddam you are looking good...



Never give up on love

JD Watt, author of the book “BURNT”; the shocking true story of a woman’s deception and a man’s broken heart, is a divorced, devastatingly handsome, affluent single 51-year-old professional. He lives in the wealthy Eastern Suburbs of Sydney Australia. He is also a blogger giving his advice on love, relationships, sex and dating from the perspective of a middle-aged guy having learnt so much from his decade long search for “the one”. Intelligent, established, sophisticated, cultured, honest, kind, loving, generous, tall and handsome.

He offers advice on relationships and how to read the signs, so you never get “BURNT”. JD believes in love and so should you. BURNT by JD Watt is available on Amazon, Kindle and on online Booksellers globally. Download or buy your copy today.

JD Watt is not a psychologist or therapist; he bases his advice and opinions on his own life experience.

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