Yes I know I promised, but my therapist has advised that to stop watching The Batch, cold turkey, could be counterproductive and cause permanent brain damage.
I have received so many messages of support from BA (Bachelor’s Anonymous) that I have decided, for therapeutic and medicinal purposes, to write another blog on my favourite primate Locky and his luscious lobotomised ladies.
Yes, we understand The Bachelor 2020 received a written direction from Dr Tedros, President of the World Health Organisation, warning that the excessive use of tongue could lead to a fresh “cluster fuck” at the mansion.
The producers were onto it, thank goodness, there was no choice but to shut down production, not to mention the girls had drunk the place dry.
Officer Osher, with all of the solemnity attending the cessation of hostilities during World War II, made “the announcement” at the Rose ceremony. Our beauty pageant winner thought that a pan-demic was a sale at Victoria’s Basement. The other girls went racing to Google and Wikipedia. It was in the national interest, it was in the public interest, and the fucking mini bars were empty. The hard questions were being googled.. how long does Botox work without a top up? How do you control your 6 WEEK RE-GROWTH in iso??
Again with Churchillian gravity Osher stated that the show must go on and we must ALL stay “positive”. I think he meant negative…test negative Osher!! Never in the field of human courting had so many girls been kissed by so few men, and what a man! However, I have to admit that this week’s anticlimactic Bachelor episodes failed to excite me in any sense. Even the Alpacas lost their appetites.
The group date with the Spiritual Guru was boring. Yes, Locky will have children, we knew this as he had already escaped permanent injury during his fencing date. It will be a little boy. How cute. Pregnancy test kits have sold out at the local chemist shop.
Finally in an attempt by management to soften the demand for Kleenex tissues during the pandemic, Roxi, was selected for a date with our own Marlon Brando, yes “the wild one” Locky. This demonstrates once again, that primates can learn extraordinary skills including riding motorcycles. Poured into their stretch jeans and donning crash helmets they zoomed off to Locky’s bachelor pad for yet another mind numbing date.
“Bend me like a pretzel,” gasps the tattered tattooed lady.
Locky has to change his underwear. The producers obviously scored a huge discount at Bunnings for lanterns and candles and once again romance was advanced with a huge pash.
Mercifully the producers opted for a group “cull”. But not before the formulaic boozy cocktail fuelled drama and Roxi losing it for the fifth consecutive night. You “gotta” hand it to the kid, at least she is consistent.
The word of the night is once again:- “disrespectful” by the way, it has just been entered into The Bachelor 2020 Glossary; Disrespectful; adjective; behaviour of a primate with a contractual obligation to behave like a slut.
Strangely, I felt empathy with the tattooed one. Within minutes of returning from her dream date, rose in hand and glowing like a pretzel straight out of the oven, Locky is on the couch again, pashing the beautiful Bella. How many tonsils can this man tickle in one day? Was it a little bit insensitive to pash so soon after the great pash of the day? Roxi confronts Bella and then the man himself.
Ahh, Roxi perhaps you should have read The Bachelor premise?
It is:- man dates many women; eliminates them one by one after proclaiming a deep connection and performing numerous lingual investigations, then; voilà, he ultimately finds “the one”, who is the last girl standing, albeit with trust issues, potentially herpes and proclaiming her love for the 17 timing moron. Her success is assured, she becomes a therapist's dream, an influencer and insta star.
Locky demonstrates the emotional depth and philosophical wisdom that we have grown to expect from him, and looking soulfully into Roxi’s glazed eyes he says, “I do anything that pops into my head if it feels good”, hmmmm, so attractive not, and once again he reveals the qualities that make him an outstanding role model for young men to admire.
Thank goodness for a commercial break I have to empty my vomit bucket and gargle. In a well rehearsed move Roxi again exits stage left with the reversing Mac Truck beeper on full throttle.
Finally The Rose ceremony … So long farewell "auf wiedersehen" goodnight!
Adios I-Rreeba! Her chilling exit message for the world,.. "I am not basic". Hmmmmm. I wonder which call centre she will be with? My tip Telstra. I am going to Vodafone.
So many intrepid souls fell this day on the battlefield of love, truly another “silicon” valley of broken hearts and dreams.
Locky grapples with the intensity of the moment and utters the immortal words “It just sucks, it is a sucky situation”. With the next episode, officer Osher announces to the world that for the first time in the history of western civilisation the Bachelor, in lockdown, will move to the world of cyber dating. My ears pricked. I could relate to this, in my book Burnt, my hero, Michael had exactly the same dilemma with a Skype date and technology that would not work. My heart went out to Locky, after all he had an entire production company to assist him and point to the button to press. Press to impress. Not dressed to impress as we later saw.
Noticeably the production quality of the show started to diminish markedly, even the ABC wouldn’t touch it. Was it the lockdown? Contrived pants-less Locky, contrived Locky in the bath tub or contrived Locky nakedly leaning over to grab his “champers” exposing just a little bit too much Locky for me.
And the ultimate production embarrassment…the rose sitting in view of the contestant as she waits… dramatically to learn whether she will be awarded the prize!! (another week, at home, dating the now 10 timer on video?)
And did I mention, contrived naked Izzy with awful camerawork and editing proving that naked girl in the bathtub, was not so naked. Speaking of the beautiful Izzy, she has a laugh that could sink a thousand ships. Maybe that’s why they put her in the tub. With her first cackle in the kitchen a flock of kookaburras landed on my balcony. They thought that they had heard a relative in distress. And the cackles kept coming. Betty Davis once quipped that a woman’s laugh is her mating call, she had obviously never heard Izzy.
Finally in a visual dynamic replicating the Brady Bunch, Locky’s harem turned to Zoom. And a game of truth or dare. Enter commando koala Locky, and the girls in onesies looking like a petting zoo on LSD. Juliette stuck to her story that she had been celibate for 12 years, ok… And someone asked Roxi if she had a secret boyfriend. Tissues please!!!
This episode was truly excruciating. Just boring and amateurish. Locky sent Bell packing, despite having proclaimed an extraordinary connection. I think that the prolonged bath time had shrunken his brain not to mention other parts.
Cynically the producers have decided to add a new contestant. We cannot see her face but enter a new porn star. Swipe right Locky! Swipe right.
Kleenex, please increase production, Locky please go easy on the screen pashing, computers are not waterproof and everyone, just relax it’s only television!
Meanwhile in the real world, at the time of filming, "toilet paper" rioting had broken out at Woollies, and a thought crossed my mind… perhaps the best place to watch the next episode would be perched upon my porcelain throne.
Never give up on love..
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JD Watt, author of the book “BURNT”; the shocking true story of a woman’s deception and a man’s broken heart, is a divorced, devastatingly handsome, affluent single 51-year-old professional. He lives in the wealthy Eastern Suburbs of Sydney Australia. He is also a blogger giving his advice on love, relationships, sex and dating from the perspective of a middle-aged guy having learnt so much from his decade long search for “the one”.
Intelligent, established, sophisticated, cultured, honest, kind, loving, generous, tall and handsome, JD is every woman’s dream.
He offers advice on relationships and how to read the signs, so you never get “BURNT”. JD believes in love and so should you. BURNT by JD Watt is available on Amazon, Kindle and on online Booksellers globally. Download or buy your copy today.
JD Watt is not a psychologist or therapist; he bases his advice and opinions on his own life experience.