The lockdown continues in Bachelor Land. You could say these episodes had something for everyone with a twist of nothing. Cyber dating, controversy, parental embarrassment, an intruder, mindless banter, drunken outbursts, action adventure, pashing, bitching and drama, all linked together with appalling grammar and garnished with a little mental illness.
I can tell you that the study of anthropology is fascinating.
You may recall I had originally suggested that our superstar and super stud might readily fall within the classification of “primate”; as in Cheetah Tarzan’s sidekick. Locky is definitely post Neanderthal.. so could he be the “missing link”?
I have received a very compelling submission from the International Association of Primate Studies requesting me to urgently review my suggested classification. I have done so and regretfully must agree with their assessment. Based on his performance in water (the bath tub revelation) during the last episode, I am downgrading Locky to a lower member of the food chain:- “piscatorius moronus”. I am doing this based upon empirical evidence.
The man has the attention span of a goldfish.
Girls, (or GIRILS as Locky would say..) My strong recommendation in order to get his undivided attention, call him immediately before a rose ceremony and offer him fellatio (not an ice cream). It seems that the last thought in his undersized cranium will hold his attention... for at least 7 seconds.
Locky’s goldfish status was confirmed after the new "intruder" joined the Harem. A new tart in the cake shop. Locky, had over the last month and a half attempted to develop a “meaningful internet connection” with all of the women that had not been flicked. These bonds of steel were built by numerous “one on one” dates and innumerable “one on one” pashes.
After three minutes of digitally enhanced, cyber exposure to the latest bombshell Bec, he couldn’t even remember how to make a peanut butter sandwich. Butter with your peanut butter?.. An acquired taste, just like Locky.
The man is a goldfish. I repeat. The man is a goldfish.
And if you are reading this Locky. I repeat the man is a goldfish. Even Dori from ‘Finding Nemo’ has better recall.
The new “intruder” beautiful ‘blonde’ Bec immediately stole his heart with promises of an adventure lifestyle, lots of tent living, and lots of tent sex. Despite his “meaningful internet connection” with so many of the ‘GIRILS’, three cyber minutes with Bec and our Locky was gurgling like Elmer Fudd at a rabbit shoot. “I’m yours. Let’s have 12 children. Woo hoo”.
It seems Mr Sincerity had forgotten that he had just spent the day meeting potential in-laws and other family members of the nine surviving contestants. Gold fish. At one point I thought that Locky might even give Bella’s mum a rose, as Bella’s mum seemed to be giving Locky a rise. Awkward.
I took my hat off to the only father on the panel. He seemed to be a real man and authentic. He was Hannibal Lector in a bad mood. Like a CNN journalist at a Trump press conference he kept asking the hard questions. "When are you are going to ask my daughter out on a date?" said Mr Chuckles. Locky had not known pressure like this since his jockstrap snapped during the abseil. He ducked and weaved, tried to pull out his wifi connection and but Hannibal kept coming. At least dad could read him like a book, pity his daughter couldn’t.
You touch my daughter, I break your face.
Was it just me, or was the mental health of our unlucky ladies starting to show signs of cabin fever and deep emotional instability? It seems the bachelor has more fruit loops than a box of Kellogg's cereal. I feel a sponsorship opportunity.
I do believe that there are grounds for an “Intervention” at the Bachelor mansion at this stage of the program.
R U O K ????
Consistent with the theme of mental health, the moment of all moments, was the one that has ripped a family apart for this lifetime and perhaps many more to come.. Roxi’s mum outed her as a practicing schizophrenic, and introduced the whole country to her alter ego Rhonda. What a caring sharing mom, I would like to be a fly on the wall at their next Mothers’ Day lunch!
The extraordinary dumbing down of our education system assists as we add yet more notable quips to our Glossary of words and phrases from our challenged champions of the English language.
“It’s a real kick in the dick” - the reaction of a woman.. when one of the girls gets a date on a dating show and it is not you..
“I was feeling messed up in the head” - a normal consequence of cabin fever and cyber dating a man who has a limited attention span and likes testing his Blistex continually on other lips.
“I am about to lose my shit” - when your wifi starts to play tricks on you and you imagine you a dating a guy who is also dating 8 others GIRILS
“She looked like a frickin’ smacked arse” - she forgot to put on a sponsored beauty product.
Note to producers:- Could we have English subtitles for future episodes, please?
RETURN TO THE MANSION / ASYLUM
Yes, Locky is back!!!! The producers splurged and Bunnings lanterns and candles flew out the door. Air traffic control brought the girls down the runway with precision, and they jumped into Locky's waiting arms. At least the lab rats knew which way to run, although opening the door to the mansion proved to be a significant challenge for one. Were my eyes deceiving me, or did the girls and Locky look a little chunkier? The Covid kilos are definitely noticeable. They all experienced the Locky pash, NOW protected by Blistex lip conditioner, a sponsor, and Locky's preferred balm which assists lips that want to pash forever.
With all the girls returning to the mansion an overwhelmed Locky says “he can't pick his jaw off the ground”. Now he knows how I felt when I first watched this tripe. Enter our new footie playing, adventure loving, beauty consultant Bec (that is a surprise, I was expecting a Nuclear Physicist).
All the girls notice the ‘intruder’ has returned after her date with yet another rose. Passion alert! Roxi alert! Tissues alert! Hannibal alert! Bella's mum's alert! The girls are “full suspect on her” “she is so good-looking it hurts my soul” Bec is introduced by Locky, meet my harem, the Mormon Tabernacle choir.
“ I think she is an Instagram/influencer and model person.” Are you okay Roxie?? Or should we say, come in…..Rhonda.
I decided to watch some advertisements this time as the show is beyond pathetic and the ads were great!
It was the Episode 10 Cocktail party brought to you by the National Mental Health Awareness Foundation”. It was R U OK Day. Or should we call it Ronda R U OK today?
The girls again offer esoteric and lucid commentary as they analyse the new competition…
“They are definitely going to vibe”.
“She's a bombshell”.
“She is shitting her pants”.
Locky, tired and emotional, has developed strong feelings for Bec after five minutes on the computer and five minutes on the couch. Not to mention their ‘one on one’ WHITE WATER RAFTING adventure date which saw the temperature rapidly rise. Bec accidentally, on purpose, fell into the raging waters only to be plucked to safety by our intrepid hero. He is good in the water! She collapsed into his arms and immediately adopts the nautical missionary position. The grunts can be heard back at the mansion where the ‘shampers’ is flowing like Roxy’s tears, and the temperature is still rising.
Mental illness Case Study - Segway to subplot 1.. Roxi and Juliette and their ‘Rumble in the Jungle’.
The GIRILS exchange greetings, women supporting woman. “You’re fake, I called you out on your BS”; “you're a waste of space”. Yes, Juliette’s provocative cleavage meets Roxi's aggressive tattoos and, predictably, Rhonda stormed off.
Juliette's cleavage is definitely causing climate change at the Bachelor mansion not to mention Roxi destruction. Now Greta Thunburg is watching and preparing a report for the UN.
Lockey pashes Bella and she states:-“my heart would not stop beating”, yes Bella that's good! Tight suits and sexual excitement don't work as Locky is about to find out OR did Mr Potato Head have too much peanut butter during lockydown?
Mental illness Case Study - Segway to subplot 2.. The Big SNUB!
Belligerent Bella ignores Irate Irena. Best friends for life ripped apart by the definition of a phone call. “You called him…No you called him first… No you called him first!”..Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Even amoebas are switching channels.
Bella feels back stabbed and tells Irena “I don't trust you, you manipulative little bitch”! Warragamba dam level warning! There are now more tissue boxes in the mansion than you would find in a massage parlour, come to think of it, what's the difference?
Locky is in a couch frenzy with Roxi. Hello Rhonda! Rhonda storms out screaming “skank”. Girl down! Rhonda has left the building, pushing past production staff wearing masks. They attempt to placate her using social distancing, or is it fear of a right hook?
Everyone take a chill pill..
At least the alpacas practice social distancing. I hope everyone called a member of the cast and asked R U OK?
When this dismal affair reaches its ultimate crescendo and the Biggest Loser is announced… I intend to write the mother of all Bachelor blogs. No holds bard.
Never give up on love..
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JD Watt, author of the book “BURNT”; the shocking true story of a woman’s deception and a man’s broken heart, is a divorced, devastatingly handsome, affluent single 51-year-old professional. He lives in the wealthy Eastern Suburbs of Sydney Australia. He is also a blogger giving his advice on love, relationships, sex and dating from the perspective of a middle-aged guy having learnt so much from his decade long search for “the one”.
Intelligent, established, sophisticated, cultured, honest, kind, loving, generous, tall and handsome, JD is every woman’s dream.
He offers advice on relationships and how to read the signs, so you never get “BURNT”. JD believes in love and so should you. BURNT by JD Watt is available on Amazon, Kindle and on online Booksellers globally. Download or buy your copy today.
JD Watt is not a psychologist or therapist; he bases his advice and opinions on his own life experience.