Watching the last 2 episodes of the Bachelorette I was moved to change my views on euthanasia, or as Elly would think, young-people-in-China.
It is little wonder that the Bachelorette’s ratings have crashed over the last few weeks. I would rather watch Trump’s tic tok dancing to the Village People and Biden blooper reels than one more excruciatingly painful episode of the Bachelorette bimbos. The formulaic franchise has been done to death. The endless cathartic elevator music, the idyllic picturesque scenes of romantic places. More lanterns and fairy lights than mardi gras. Panoramic shots of Sydney harbour. AAAGHHH!!!
The last dates with each “contestant” (with the exception of the skydiving) took the show to a new level of banality. Watching a test pattern would have provided more stimulation. For those who don’t know what a test pattern looks like, here is one from the 70’s.
Meeting the future in-laws and extended and in-friends was another entertainment highlight. Both potential mother in laws should have come with viewer warnings for young children.
My personal hunch is Frazer and Adrian were adopted. I was prepared to put my money on Frazer due to his “concrete” performance. He is hard to go past and he is as dumb as fuck like Elly. Where were Elly and Becky’s parents? Perhaps they are also of the view that this is utter tripe.
The dialogue and interaction between the “contestants” and “girl prizes” was so repetitive and shallow.
It simply centred around, “I’m so happy to see ya”, “you look so great”, “I am in-da-ya” and if I hear the words chemistry and connection again I will have to find my Bachelor spew bucket and throw up. When did they ever talk about art, music, films, travel, restaurants, life or indeed anything remotely interesting to anyone with a modicum of intelligence??
Joey’s final date on the paddle steamer, sailing down the brown river and finally paddle boarding up shit creek, then culminating in his back of the tradie ute make out session left me completely numb. Do the producers seriously think this is good television?? Even Osher had given up. He was absent without leave for almost the whole of these episodes. Joey is clearly taking elocution lessons from Sylvester Stalone. What a charmer...
Perhaps the series most ‘romantic’ interlude was the ‘tractor’ date with Frazer and Elly, complete with tractor tongue. From tractor pashing to bush bath and booze, the cows were clearly traumatized by this invasion of their paddock.
Then it was over to the other “girl prize” with Adrian her toyboy. Becky emphasised that she and Adrian had such great physical connection especially in the mud bath, pash in the mud, wash off the mud. How many times can you say “I gotta deep connection with ya”, with a contestant you are about to dump?
Finally the final finale! Like medieval knights donning their armour, the boys slipped into their undersized Kelly Country Suits, at least Osher made an appearance to help them get dressed.
Adrian was so excited he forgot to put is socks on again. Becky broke down, “I can’t plait your fucking stupid hair every night”. Pashed and trashed in one episode. Exit Adrian stage left, sulking,“it sucks, but at least I have 10 thousand insta followers now... and Adam the dumped geologist.” Now there's a rumour.... NEXT!!!
Pete arrives and he has forgotten socks too. Great husband material Pete, actually that’s because he already is! Yes, he's still married to another woman, what a twist, what a guy. Becky leaves with her “man prize” Pete and we are all left wondering… where will they live, Rads or Newie? Pick your shit hole.
Then drama strikes! Elly decides to Pearl Harbour (a preemptive strike to destroy your enemy before they even see you coming) poor Joey. It went something like this… “Joey you are great husband material, and like, BUT it's not you... Your drill bit is only 2 inches long and my other bloke is, like, as hard as concrete…” Viewers must now endure one minute of Elly blubbering, and Joey returns to Alfie in Newie as a single tradie again.
Meanwhile, our super pumped concrete mixer arrives for the pour of his life.
Complete with cringe worthy words from Jerry McGuire… well done Fraser! I picked you.
The series ends, the dust settles and I am now firmly in favour of euthanizing all reality TV. Having now completed 2 courses of Batchy bullshit, my hemorrhoids are cured. But I have developed bulimia.
These programs mirror the modern day reality of dating especially using internet dating sites. These sites encourage multiple contestants, with little prospect of finally meeting “the right person” because the dating gene pool is almost limitless and there is no shortage of gamers who just like to play in the pond. One wonders at the sincerity of “girl prizes” Elly and her sister Becky when they continued to repeat to almost each contestant the nauseating line, “I am developing a deep connection with ya…” There is hardly a scene in any episode that is not accompanied by some form of alcohol. Another great social message.
My final comment is that these programs seem to indicate that a large percentage of our population are nothing more than illiterate intellectually challenged bogans, self indulgent and with no real values other than their sickening narcissism. Participants see these programs as a conduit to the esteemed new social class the “B grade insta celebrity”. The greatest tragedy is the decimation of the true ideals and beauty of love.
So I leave you with an image of one of the cows at Elly and Frazer’s last date, it perfectly captures my sentiment surrounding this program.
Never give up on love.